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America Is Getting Crazier - Part Two

“Spiderman: The Musical” is headed to Broadway.  Is Broadway creatively bankrupt now, too?  I know Hollywood is.  They remake every shitty TV show of all time as bad movies, they remake every movie, and they make every video game ever into a movie, with classics like “Doom”, where you’re actually looking for the lever to move to the next level while you’re watching the piece of shit.  Hollywood is making every comic book ever into a movie, and usually screwing the pooch, with horrible films like “Daredevil” and “Fantastic Four” which were my favorite comic books.  I had the first issues of those, and Spiderman, and the X-Men.  Did they get someone like me to write them?  No, they found people who seem like they knew nothing about these characters. The X-Men movies were over-romantic and overcrowded with the super-jet plane full of teenage mutants sitting around with nothing to do because there were too many frigging heroes.  The only good one of all of these was the first “Spiderman”.  The second and third?  Ehhh.

Now Broadway is doing it.  Are there no good playwrights around today writing actual plays? Does everything have to be a musical version of a shitty Disney cartoon?  They had musicals of “Carrie”, “Phantom of the Opera”, “Frankenstein”, and “Dracula”.  I’m going to write a musical based on the original and best “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”.  I think I’ll call it “The Best Little Chainsaw Massacre In Texas”.  It will have songs like “Put Your Head On My Shoulder”, “Three Faces Have I”, “Owner Of A Lonely Heart”, “Legs” by ZZ Top, “I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight”, and the original opening number,
“Kill Us Please”:  “Kill us please/We’re dumb college students/We have no gas or weapons/We can’t run or defend ourselves/We fall whenever we have to run/Kill us please!”

There is now poker mania in this country.  There is a poker show every night on almost every channel.  And what’s happening?  Teenagers in America are becoming gambling addicts, stealing their parent’s credit cards, going to online gambling, and blowing Mom and Dad’s life savings.  Now think about this: “online gambling”.  That is got to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard of. ”.  They’re trying to make online gambling illegal, so all the companies now just do it from the Caymans or somewhere offshore.  They’re making billions and billions of dollars a year, and nobody really cares.  We love gambling in this country!  Why?  Because as a society, we are fucking WHACK-O!

It reminds me of the old TV ads for “976-TAROT”.  How do you know what cards they’re turning up?  You’re on the phone.  I was going to start a line called “976-POKER”: Two dollars a minute, plus raises, if any.”  For that kind of money, I’d sit on the phones all day, saying “Sorry, buddy – two threes again, you lose.” How would they know?  It’s the fucking phone!  Same thing with online gambling.

Poker is a civilized activity for friends in the home – I used to love poker.  Done right, it’s not even gambling.  I never won, though, because I don’t have a poker face.  My entire face and body is a tell. Toyota has a new “luxury hybrid” for $125,000.  Kind of defeats the whole point, doesn’t it?  Like a hybrid Hummer: it gets NINE miles to the gallon.

George Michael (remember “Wham”?  Who doesn’t?) after all his legal troubles, just said “If alcoholics just switched to weed, the world would be a better place.”  Talk about unclear on the concept.  Although it did get him a job as a counselor at “Promises”.  .

“Promises” is the 30 or 40 thousand dollar a month “rehab center” in Malibu.  They just had a documentary on them on TV and the founder and his son said they don’t use AA or 12-steps, they have their own way.  I guess everybody just “promises” to be sober.  That’s why every celebrity meltdown woman who goes in there is back drinking in about two seconds.  Do they get a refund?  There’s real rehab, and then there’s “celebrity rehab”, a fake rehab where you get a massage, then go out all day, like Lindsey Lohan, who’s in again after leaving, saying she didn’t think she had a problem, then hosts a party at a bar (she’s still underage) sponsored by a Vodka company, gets a DUI for running into a pole.  They find cocaine in her car.  She left the scene of the crime.  Now she’s back in this fake-o ripoff center while planning her 21st birthday party in Vegas.  Wow.  What a great role model Lindsey, Britney, Paris, and Nicole are for our young people.

Britney is out of jail after three days!  She’s under “house arrest”, which is sort of a contradiction in terms when you live in a fucking mansion with servants.  They are making her wear an ankle bracelet.  They told her it was a new style.  For her and her friends, it is.

Then they put her back in jail, probably after the public outcry.  Of course she’s going to have a breakdown in jail.  She’s got the DTs from no alcohol, and without the clothes and the shoes and the makeup and the sunglasses and the hair, she probably looked in the mirror and snapped like a doo-wop group.  She probably never saw what she really looked like before: a woman so skinny she should be hanging in a biology classroom.  She’s two-dimensional, for Christ’s sakes.  She should have stayed in jail – it was the first time in her life she ever got any sympathy.  And of course she’s had more coverage on the news now than 9/11, World War Two, and O.J. put together.  Why?  Because as a country, we’re fucking WHACK-O!

People are saying on the news over and over she “only” violated parole.  She had a DUI.  There are 18,000 drunk driving deaths a year in the U.S., one every half-hour, and most are by youths age 20-29.  If Paris wants to “think of ways to better the world”, why doesn’t she become the spokesperson for MADD?  But no, she’s too busy having a “nervous breakdown” because she can’t drink for a month.

Sylvester Stallone was arrested in Australia and now fined for bringing in Human Growth Hormone – 48 vials.  What’s he trying to do, grow a new head?  He had three excuses: 1) it was for a medical condition – what, was he shrinking? 2) It was prescribed by a doctor – yeah, probably Elvis’ doctor; 3) He had to have it to get ready to make Rambo 4: “John Rambo”.  I can’t blame him – he has nothing after thirty years but Rocky and Rambo, so he has to make another Rambo, about a merciless, buffed killing machine, when Sly is now 60 years old.  What’s Rambo going to do – liberate a rest home?

Posted on Jun 08 2007 by Admin
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