By Doug Ferrari, Comedian
Yes, “President" Bush is the worst President in our history, he's made the world hate us, he's destroying our economy, our environment, and our Constitution – but he's a goldmine for us political comics. And I don't mean just for the increasingly stupid and disjointed things he says every day, like when he recently said on Faux News: “We have more important enemies to fight, like Al Qaeda, and people without jobs", but just, well, everything about him. He's a comedian's wet dream. I don't agree we should impeach Cheney either. We don't want Bush to be President! He's just as funny where he is right now.
Now, I'm one of those smart enough not to blame Bush for everything. We know he's not really in charge. They want us to make fun of him. They purposely picked a man who's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He can't name countries on a map. He can't name the leaders of countries. He can't find the Earth on a globe.
I'm not a Bush basher. He's just a puppet. I don't like it when they compare Bush to Hitler. That's not fair. Hitler was elected.
I don't blame Bush – I blame Laura. She's a teacher, she should have gotten him Hooked On Phonics. And I blame alll the warmongers of the Bush Administration have been around since Ford, Reagan, and Bush, like Cheney and Rumsfeld and Perle and Wolfowitz and the rest. And I don't really blame them, I blame medical technology. These old bastards should be dead by now. I think they live off the blood of virgins and small children, but call me a liberal…
A recent "Meet The Press" has all the talking heads still saying Bush was elected in 2004 - and in 2000, which I thought everyone knew was bullshit by now. Jesus, Russert, do you ever correct anybody? Read "Fooled Again" by Mark Crispin Miller, a book that was the victim of a total media blackout, except good ol' C-Span. The Administration doesn't even know what they're airing – their TVs are all welded to Fox News like a North Korean radio. Bush has never been elected to anything. I think he stole Texas, too. I mean, look at the power behind him. His father was head of the CIA, Vice-President, President (!), and may well have been in Texas before the Kennedy assassination. I don't think he was directly involved, but he might have been in the Grassy Knoll, reloading. Oops, my phone is making funny sounds again.
Of course, Bush is against everything I'm for. He doesn't believe in evolution. That's because he knows he didn't quite make it all the way. He's against stem cell research, which is ironic, because it's his only chance to get a brain.
George Bush was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Even God said, “What the fuck?!"
How can he know anything about foreign policy? He'd never left the U.S. before was President. He didn't even have to go to Canada, he had the Air National Guard. They're making a movie about his Vietnam years called “Full Dinner Jacket".
Sometimes for my audiences, I sing the “Bush Vietnam Fight Song", to the tune of “Over There":
“Over Here, Over Here,
On my ass with a pass Over Here
Well my Dad knew someone
And he knew someone
I won't see Vietnam this year
I don't' fear for my rear
Standing guard in my yard with a beer
The steaks are burning
And they need turning
So I won't go there
Til it's over, Over Here!"
Of course everything Bush says about Iraq is a lie – he can't know what he's talking about. It came out that when he was told before the war that we might be fighting Sunni and Shiva forces, Bush said “I thought they had Muslims over there." I'll tell you when I'm kidding. Not that the CIA knew, either.
And Bush really believed there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq – his dad has the receipts.
But we're winning the war in Iraq. Mission accomplished! The Iraqis are now free – to form an anti-Western Islamic theocracy.
Bush says the Iraqi government represents something new in the Arab world: a government that “respects fundamental human differences and respects the rule of law". Hey, and then maybe later, we can have that in America, too!
Bush wants to bring democracy to the world and change it. And he has changed the world: he's cost the leaders of Britian, Italy and Spain their jobs.
Now Bush wants to nuke Iran and he has the big red nuclear button. Thank God, there's a child-proof lock on it. That's why nothing has happened yet.
Bush said that since some Supreme Court and other courts have restricted his illegal wiretapping programs, he “wants to follow the Constitution." That's good news: I didn't know we still HAD the Constitution.
Bush was bashed at the Republican debate more than he was at any Democratic debate, more proof that his presidency is over. Man, Bush is radioactive. He's the fucking tar baby of all time.
Then he bombed at the G-8 summit, trying to say good things about helping countries or global warming or something, and going over like Michael Richards and Don Imus on "Evening At The Apollo".
Bush has said for years “If the Iraqis ask us to leave, we'll leave." The Iraqi Government in May signed a petition demanding withdrawal of US troops. So what? Berkeley's been doing that for years, it never did anything.
81 cities have called for Bush to be impeached. And he said, “Wow, that's almost one in every state."
I just hope before Bush invades a third country like Iran or Syria, that he invades the United States, like he did in Iraq. Then we could have health care, education, jobs, and free elections, too.