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Bush Scandals: A Handy Clip & Save Guide-Part One

By Doug Ferrari & Randy Hauser

With so many Bush Administration scandals happening every day, it can be hard to keep track.  So this is a handy Clip & Save Guide, which you can print out and make into flashcards.  We use this guide to play ‚€œBush Scandal Bingo" when we watch the news.  When they mention one of your scandals, you have to do a shot.  Caution:  This May Cause Choking On A Pretzel.

1.  9/11:
(First)  The centerpiece of the Bush Administration is that they were great on 9/11, they had no way of knowing, and there have been no attacks since then.  Let's review:

A) Failure to stop it
The FBI had Zacharias Moussaoui, the so called 20th hijacker, a month before 9/11 and he told them they were going to fly planes into the World Trade Center but they refused to take him seriously and didn't check his computer.  The FBI: FÔ¿½ed up Beyond Imagination.  That doesn't let Bush off the hook, there were plenty of warnings.  Like the memo that was titled ‚€œBin Laden Determined to Strike US", Bush couldn't read that memo because it wasn't a pop up book.  After the first plane hit, CIA Director George Tenet turned to someone and said, ‚€œI hope that doesn't have anything to do with that guy that was taking flight lessons in Florida." And the punchline is, he was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

B) Bush's Reaction
It is well known that after Bush was told America is under attack that he kept reading to the second graders for seven minutes but  is forgotten is that he then did photo ops for twenty more minutes, then flew around in dangerous airspace in a marked plane making two stops when they didn't know if there would be more attacks, whereas Cheney was in a bunker in two minutes.  So obviously they were only interested in saving the President.

C) Failure to capture Osama bin Laden
There has only been one trial associated with the 9/11 attacks and that was for Moussaoui, the 20th hijacker.  There WAS no 20th hijacker, that's like being the fifth Beatle.  Maybe Murray the K planned 9/11.  They've caught the number three guy in Al Qaeda about 50 times.  You can tell the third guy in command of Al Qaeda, he is wearing a red shirt with an ensign insignia and he's always the first one attacked by a salt monster.  One of the third guys for Al Qaeda was also a drummer for Spinal Tap.

We've given Pakistan $6 billion to catch Al Qaeda, and they've stopped looking.  The CIA disbanded its bin Laden unit.  There can be only one reason they haven't caught him yet: they don't want to.  (They didn't want to catch Hussein and OsamaÔ¿½they wanted to fire them.)  Really Ô¿½ how hard would it be with all their technology to find bin Laden?  He's six foot, six inches tall, with a kidney dialysis machine on a donkey.  They can't pick that shit up on satellite?  He has more videos than Adam Sandler.  You can get them on Netflix now.

2. NSA Wiretapping
The Administration has been wiretapping illegally since before 9/11, but they say now it's because of 9/11 and Al Qaeda.  There's the ‚€œTerrorist Surveilliance Program", Bush just signed the ‚€œProtect America Act", which allows more wiretapping, and Bush says they only listen to calls to and from Al Qaeda.  But we found out they have 2.1 TRILLION of our phone calls on computers.  So apparently, everybody in America is calling Al Qaeda.  That's why they haven't attacked us again Ô¿½ they're on the phone all the fucking time!
I guess Al Qaeda is now comprised entirely of 14-year old girls.  They're not looking for their ‚€œNumber Three Man" anymore, they're looking for the ‚€œTop Five Friends".

3) Hurricane Katrina
They made Bush a DVD of Katrina because he doesn't watch the news and he doesn't read. If I were him I wouldn't want to watch the news either.  The most stressed out person in America must be Bush's briefer. He has to keep him coloring inside the lines. They tried to explain it to Bush with a Playskool set but he kept putting the pieces in his mouth.   Tom Tancredo wants to deport twelve million illegal immigrants.  The Republicans couldn't get 100,000 people out of New Orleans, and they really wanted to go!  They were holding up signs and talking to Anderson Cooper on Cable TV.

5. James Gannon
James Gannon/Guckert was a fake reporter who gave softball questions to Scott McClelland.  He has been to the White House over 200 times, according to the Secret Service log, and he's a gay prostitute. What happened Ô¿½ he was in the wrong place 200 times? You know he wasn't delivering pizza.

6. Torture
Bush has had one torture scandal after another. At Gitmo, they play Eminem records at full volume. If that doesn't violate the Geneva Conventions, nothing does. That would make anyone talk. The whole rationale for building Gitmo in Cuba was to evade US law regarding due process Ô¿½ because we know that everything they do on American soil is done legally. . . Then there was Abu Ghraib. Those wacky swing shift kids took a thousand snapshots. So the Pentagon solution was to put up a sign that says ‚€œNo Photography." That's true.

9. Failures of the Transportation Security Administration
But at least, now we can fly in peace, right? Dream on. Babies, grandmas, Senators and yes, Subway sandwich makers are on the ‚€ėterrorist watch list" but, 21 suitcases full of bomb making materials recently sailed right through our secure airports. At least they found my tweezers.  Its easier for bombs to get through Airport security than it is to get into a trendy nightclub, we should just hire nightclub bouncers for airport security.

To Be Continued‚€¦

Posted on Aug 28 2007 by Doug
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