By Randy Hauser and Doug Ferrari, Comedian
3) Hurricane Katrina
They made Bush a DVD of Katrina because he doesn‚€™t watch the news and he doesn‚€™t read. If I were him I wouldn‚€™t want to watch the news either. The most stressed out person in America must be Bush‚€™s briefer. He has to keep him coloring inside the lines. They tried to explain it to Bush with a Playskool set but he kept putting the pieces in his mouth. Tom Tancredo wants to deport twelve million illegal immigrants. The Republicans couldn‚€™t get 100,000 people out of New Orleans, and they really wanted to go! They were holding up signs and talking to Anderson Cooper on Cable TV.
4. James Gannon
James Gannon/Guckert was a fake reporter who gave softball questions to Scott McClelland. He has been to the White House over 200 times, according to the Secret Service log, and he‚€™s a gay prostitute. What happened ‚€“ he was in the wrong place 200 times? You know he wasn‚€™t delivering pizza.
He couldn't have been employed as a gay prostitute for Scott McClellan or Karl Rove or anyone else, because we all know there are no gays in the Republican Party, right? (See upcoming column: "Why Are The Republicans Always The Kinky Perverted Ones With Three Wives?")
Bush has had one torture scandal after another. At Gitmo, they play Eminem records at full volume. If that doesn‚€™t violate the Geneva Conventions, nothing does. That would make anyone talk.
The whole rationale for building Gitmo in Cuba was to evade US law regarding due process ‚€“ because we know that everything they do on American soil is done legally. . . Then there was Abu Ghraib. Those wacky swing shift kids took a thousand snapshots. So the Pentagon solution was to put up a sign that says "No Photography." That‚€™s true.
They never prosecuted people way up the line for what those "seven crazy kids" did, the ones Rush Limbaugh said did stuff "that wasn't any worse than a frat hazing". Hey, someone gave them those ideas, and the dogs, and the leash, and the hoods. They didn't bring them over from Georgia. They weren't smart enough to think of those sexual abuses themselves. If they'd had any brains, when they took the thousand photos, THEY would have been the ones wearing the hoods...
6. Failures of the Transportation Security Administration
But at least, now we can fly in peace, right? Dream on. Babies, grandmas, Senators and yes, Subway sandwich makers are on the "terrorist watch list" but, 21 suitcases full of bomb making materials recently sailed right through our secure airports. At least they found my tweezers. Its easier for bombs to get through Airport security than it is to get into a trendy nightclub, we should just hire nightclub bouncers for airport security.
Maybe they could actually catch a terrorist for a change if they didn't have all the police in the airport bathrooms waiting for men to tap their feet...
To Be Continued...