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Bush Scandals: A Handy Clip & Save Guide - Part Three: Lying Us Into War

10. Lying The Country Into War

Like they say, Bush really believed Saddam had WMDs, because his father has the receipts.

53% of Americans still think Saddam was behind 9/11. There's no evidence bin Laden was behind 9/11. So who's left? It sure gave Bush and Cheney a great selling point for Iraq. As Dana Carvey, The Church Lady, used to say, "How conveeeeenient..."

I've counted another 50 times "experts" and "pundits" have said on TV, up to this moment,that Hillary Clinton voted "for the war". No one in the "mainstream media" has ever corrected that lie. Let's review.

First, all those politicians voted for a resolution to allow full inspections (Bush pulled them out early), and for all diplomatic negotiations to be exhausted (there weren't any). Bush's idea of diplomacy was to give Saddam 48 hours to get out of Dodge, and then try to kill him and start bombing before the deadline was over. Nobody told Bush he's not starring in a Western, he's not Gary Cooper, he's not even Randolph Scott. He doesn't really have a Southern accent, he's from Maine, and he never fought in a war or fired a shot. The only thing he's fired is half his Administration.

And secondly, the whole "authorization for war" was illegal, because the Administration lied to all the members of Congress, the UN, and the American people, so it was illegal and is not a real authorization. Not to mention the media relentlessly pressuring Congress to vote yes or be called unpatriotic. (No one in the media, with the possible except of the New York Times, has ever apologized for being in Bush's pocket.) And the Democrats fell for that, as usual, because they can't stand being called names. They're pussies. Bush kicks sand in their face, and instead of getting a Charles Atlas workout program, they run and hide under their desks like it's an air raid drill.

Of course everything Bush says about Iraq is a lie – he can't know what he's talking about. When he was told before the war that we might be fighting Sunni and Shia forces, Bush said "I thought they only had Muslims over there." I'll tell you when I'm kidding.

Condi now says "We never said Iraq was an imminent threat". Right, except for that whole "mushroom cloud" thing. And of course, she didn't get called on it on whatever Sunday morning "let them bullshit all they want" show she was on, probably "Meet The Press". Condi, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

(The war, which Wolfowitz said would be paid for by Iraqi oil, will cost us, the taxpayers, 1.2 trillion dollars. Now let me explain what a trillion dollars is in easy to understand language. IT'S A FUCKLOAD OF MONEY! There's a million, then there's a billion, and then there's A FUCKLOAD OF MONEY! You know how many zeroes that is? A FUCKLOAD OF ZEROES. Bush bitched because he didn't get his "emergency supplemental funding" fast enough to "support the troops". Hey, Hallliburton lost 7 billion dollars of our money – why didn't he get some money from them! Get Cheney on it.

That money was for "security", but the Iraqi Army is complaining they DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BULLETS. How much are bullets now, anyway? Is that a high-priced item? Everyone in Iraq has rifles and bullets, except the Army. The Iraqis are saying all their rifles are broken. Seventy-thousand weapons have "gone missing". Once again, we're being shot at by our own bullets. Every death in Iraq is a "friendly fire" death. (There is no such thing as "friendly fire", by the way. It's like "military intelligence" or "Bush policy" or "free gift".)

Bush needs his $700 billion a year for the Pentagon, plus the last $100 billion, plus another $50 billion "emergency supplemental, because the Iraq war costs us over $1 billion every four days - but the troops get $22,000 a year. Where does the money go? Maybe somebody should find out. These people blow it, burn it, give it away, and lose it like they were printing it. Oh that's right - they are printing it... Maybe they should burn it in bonfires for all the Iraqis who have no electricity.)

Bush said about 9/11, "They attacked us before we were in Iraq". Lie! We've been at war with Iraq since 1991--constant bombings, sanctions, the oil for food scandal, and millions of children starved to death. The US and Britain have been fucking around in the Middle East forever. It wasn't even Iraq until 1930, it was Mesopotamia, the cradle of civilization.

So we barge in like some WWE wrestler on acid in a china shop, and the first thing we do is let them loot all the museums. A millennium of priceless antiquities destroyed. (Maybe they were cursed like the mummy's tomb.) They did guard the Oil Ministry - that was the only place they did guard.

This war was about oil, though, but about NOT pumping it. They have less oil supply now than they did under Saddam. But we don't know how much, because Iraq is the only country on Earth where the oil supply is not metered . Iraqis can't even buy gas when they want to, and they have one of the biggest supplies on Earth. I guess it's arrogant of them to want the oil we own that's under their sand.

General Colin Powell says that he was wrong about everything in his famous U.N. speech, especially about the helium balloon trucks that were mobile weapons labs. Now he says that the surge won't work, that we should talk to Iran and Syria, and that we should close Gitmo immediately. Where has HE been for four years? Does he think he's Gilda Radner and he can just say "...Never mind..."?

The CIA says they warned Bush about everything before Iraq. Usually Presidents don't ignore the CIA - they at least use them to assassinate foreign leaders or take over Central American countries. But Bush didn't need them - he had his posse of Nixon-era fossils. Poor CIA. There used to be a guy on almost every bus in San Francisco, ranting at the top of his voice to the poor scared passengers about how the CIA had planted a bug in his head to record his thoughts. Now you never see those guys say that. They know the CIA is too fucking incompetent to pull that off.

Eason Jordan, the CNN News Chief, went to the Pentagon to ask which retired generals he should use as "experts" on the war -- before it started. One of their blonde airheads said "We remind you that over 5,000 people died on 9/11." CNN: "Crap Not News".

Phil Donahue, the only anti-war voice on "mainstream" TV, was fired by MSNBC three weeks before the war started, even though his ratings were the highest on the network. And they said it was all about the ratings. It is, unless the government tells you to do something. He had to go, even though he was a beloved and respected man in broadcast journalism, from the days in the 80's, when daytime talk shows were informative. Now it's Jerry Springer and "My Transvestite Husband Had A Crack Baby With My Mother".

NBC fired Peter Arnett right after the war started, for giving an interview to a foreign TV channel saying that the Iraq war wasn't wonderful and right and perfect. Where's his apology? "NBC: News By Corporations". At least MSNBC has Kos on. They got rid of Rita Cosby, but they still have Tucker Carlson, because they're trying to copy Faux News half the time. And they have Keith, a national hero. Unfortunately, they follow Keith with endless "To Catch A Predator"s, a show which actually killed a guy. "MSNBC: Mendacity Supplied Nightly By Crackpots".

Part of the media propaganda was the wildly inappropriate sports metaphors, and the Big Cliches of the Pod People that should officially be be banned forever:

"Connect The Dots"

"At The End Of The Day"

"Boots On The Ground"

Or, putting them all together. "At the end of the day we have to connect the dots and put boots on the ground". Bush can't connect the dots – he can't even color inside the lines. In fact, when they give him his daily briefings, they're actually made with macaroni glued to crepe paper.

And I could really live without "The Homeland". When exactly did we become The Homeland? It's not good for us when Karl Rove reads "Mein Kampf" with a highlighter.

(For more on Iraq, see "Iraqapalooza".)

Doug Ferrari, Comedian

Posted on Sep 20 2007 by Doug
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